One thing I have been working on to help with my depression is looking for and recognizing the tender mercies in my life. As I watched my oldest (Kloee) run across the field with a huge smile on her face at the primary activity I had an overwhelming feeling of peace wave over me. Even though I have an imbalance in my body and I snap and yell or melt down, I am still a good mom as long as I am trying and progressing I am on the path I should be. I am so blessed in my life and it is amazing to slow down and see and feel those blessings. Unless you watch for them they easily slip on by.

I read this amazing talk again today by Sheri Dew (Are we not all Mothers?) and the words comforted my soul. From recent conversations with numerous people I have felt inadequate that "just being a mom" was a cop out and that I should take on more. They ask me, well what do you do all day. Especially when they look around my house and see dirty dishes in the sink and clean laundry piled high on the couch. My heart crushes when I hear these words and my confidence shatters. The thought "Am I not doing what I should?" The sad thing is I hear it from my fellow mothers as well, things like "Being a mother isn't enough for me I need more." I had an incredible spiritual experience yesterday that spoke loud and clear....LOVE your Children, and those you come in contact with. Being a MOTHER is ENOUGH and is THE most important thing you can do with your time. These words from Sheri Dew only reinforced what spoke to me yesterday....Seeking for the joy in motherhood one day at a time and looking for the blessing daily makes a world of difference, at least in my life.

“Recent horrifying events in the United States have underscored the fact that we live in a world of uncertainty. Never has there been a greater need for righteous mothers—mothers who bless their children with a sense of safety, security and confidence about the future, mothers who teach their children where to find peace and truth and that the power of Jesus Christ is always stronger than the power of the adversary. Every time we build the faith or reinforce the nobility of a young woman or man, every time we love or lead anyone even one small step along the path, we are true to our endowment and calling as mothers and in the process we build the kingdom of God. No woman who understands the gospel would ever think that any other work is more important or would ever say, ‘I am just a mother,’ for mothers heal the souls of men.”

Whats helped?

I've been surprised and comforted by everyones kind thoughts.  After a post like my last it does really show WHO my support system is and I am INCREDIBLY grateful for all of you.  This is a journey that is not over yet so I don't have all the answers to why and what helps, but since many have inquired this is what has been helping so far.  Everyone is different and what works for me might not work for others. Its extremely important to see your dr. and find out what works for you. I am a firm believer in natural remedies first if its still its working seek modern medicine.

1. I take this vitamin chalked full of nutrients: GO HERE for the overview and HERE for the Label and click on ingredients.

2. 20 minutes minimum workout.

3. A nutrient dense health shake called Shakeology once a day.

4. Wonderful Oils for panic a anxciety: INTUNE, ELEVATION, BALANCE

5. NO CAFFEINE: This is HUGE! The caffeine actually increases my anxiety tremendously so I avoid it completely.

6. Avoiding negativity and situations where I know mentally Im not ready to handle yet. I know in life I cant please everyone or there are those that now matter how much you try you cant please. But I LOVE to help and serve people. I hate saying no, or not doing what they had pictured or had in mind. So for now I have to settle with learning to say no and much as I hate it its the first step. I cant serve and help everyone and I cant always help them in the way they want me to. So for now I am serving as much as I can mentally handle and learning to say no to the rest. It'll take some time, but I'll get there. Its part of the pulling back. This talk has really helped me with this. Click HERE to listen!

Whats NEXT? Well as much as all these things have headed me in the right direction I'm not there yet, I still need to simplify but its a process, so over the next few months as I simplify my life and time more I'll share what Im doing.

Goal #1: Ridding my life of too many electronics. I've used movies/hulu/netflix as my "medication" instead of leaving myself to my thoughts I keep something on constantly to avoid working through my feelings in my head. I waste tons of time staring at a screen (checking email/facebook etc.) Time that could be focused more productively somewhere else. This too will take time since its a HUGE bad habit.  Wish me luck :)

Pulling Back and Learning to Enjoy Life...

I've been out of the blogging world for quite a while and I've missed it tremendously.  The last year (18 months) has been one of the hardest of my life. Until now I have been too ashamed/embarrassed to talk/write about it.  Ive been terrified about what people would think of me and would stop trusting me.  I am still somewhat uncomfortable with it but it has been such a learning experience and is continuing to be that I feel I would be ungrateful if I didn't share.  I hope that someone someday will find comfort in my journey this last year the way I have after reading others triumphant experiences. 

I've been dealing with a severe bout of depression and anxiety/panic attacks.  It started while Darren was finishing up his last semester of school.  He was in the Elders Quorum Presidency and I was the Relief Society President. I was about 3 months postpartum and Darren was also finishing up his Senior Design which required him to be on campus long hours. The panic attacks started small and even though I could get myself under control with a sincere prayer and I could avoid them with daily exercise I was very embarrassed and started to hide from people. I know that my Heavenly Father carried me through that last semester, as I prayed and served others the blessings poured in and I was able to keep it somewhat in control.  

In May we moved home to the Tri-Cities and the anxiety and depression let up for about two months. I was thrilled to be home and close to family again and things slowed down for a while.  Things picked up and I was loving being busy.  Still looking back I'm not sure when but daily life, house chores, not knowing how to parent my children, surprise visits etc. all started to build up and I found that I was again very depressed which was extremely frustrating for me because daily I would count my blessing and know how lucky and blessed I am but yet I was numb to it. I wasn't feeling happy. SO I took on more I started my business, I said yes to a new busy calling, I got out of the house, I started working out again...yet nothing and now I had pushed myself to the point of exhaustion.

It wasn't until after we purchased our first home that I started to realize how depressed I was.  I was still numb and thats when the crying and severe panic attacks begun. I stopped getting out of bed (only to take care of the necessities, feeding kids, changing diapers, reaching toys for the kids)  I have gotten really good at pretending so no one could really see the sadness in my heart other then those who deal with me daily. About two weeks ago I sat down with Darren and finally admitted out loud how depressed I was.

For the longest time I just felt like I was ungrateful and selfish. That I needed to suck it up. The more I told myself this the more I believed it and the worse I got.  I now know with a certainty that thinking was wrong. I am wired differently and ITS OKAY.  I have found I am VERY deficient in crucial nutrients and once I started pumping myself full of them the clouds started parting. Im not 100% yet by any means. I still have DARK days but at least now I am starting to have some SUNNY ones in between. I have learned that I need to pull back. Right now I am kinda fragile and criticism or feeling like I let someone down is a HUGE trigger so for now I have to distance myself from the negativity and surround myself with the positive because I know mentally Im not ready for it. 

Waking up and Thanking my Heavenly Father for my blessings, and feeling his LOVE for me and knowing that he knows me and that he is always with me has carried me.  I am so incredibly Thankful for Darren and his patience and love through my roughest days. He is seriously a Saint!  I am also so grateful for my kids for their independence, kindness and unconditional love they show me every day. It melts my heart and gives me more courage for the next day every time I overhear them praying for me to feel better.  Children really are amazing blessings. Doesn't these smiles lift your spirits?

I know I still have a long journey ahead and I am so grateful that I don't have to do it alone. It's time to take charge, by pulling back and simplifying life so I can start to really ENJOY LIFE again.

If you are struggling watch this I watch it about once a week and it's amazing:
CLICK HERE

***To those I have hurt, been short with, flaked out on or wronged in ANY way 

words cannot express how sorry I am. Please forgive me.***