I've been out of the blogging world for quite a while and I've missed it tremendously. The last year (18 months) has been one of the hardest of my life. Until now I have been too ashamed/embarrassed to talk/write about it. Ive been terrified about what people would think of me and would stop trusting me. I am still somewhat uncomfortable with it but it has been such a learning experience and is continuing to be that I feel I would be ungrateful if I didn't share. I hope that someone someday will find comfort in my journey this last year the way I have after reading others triumphant experiences.
I've been dealing with a severe bout of depression and anxiety/panic attacks. It started while Darren was finishing up his last semester of school. He was in the Elders Quorum Presidency and I was the Relief Society President. I was about 3 months postpartum and Darren was also finishing up his Senior Design which required him to be on campus long hours. The panic attacks started small and even though I could get myself under control with a sincere prayer and I could avoid them with daily exercise I was very embarrassed and started to hide from people. I know that my Heavenly Father carried me through that last semester, as I prayed and served others the blessings poured in and I was able to keep it somewhat in control.
In May we moved home to the Tri-Cities and the anxiety and depression let up for about two months. I was thrilled to be home and close to family again and things slowed down for a while. Things picked up and I was loving being busy. Still looking back I'm not sure when but daily life, house chores, not knowing how to parent my children, surprise visits etc. all started to build up and I found that I was again very depressed which was extremely frustrating for me because daily I would count my blessing and know how lucky and blessed I am but yet I was numb to it. I wasn't feeling happy. SO I took on more I started my business, I said yes to a new busy calling, I got out of the house, I started working out again...yet nothing and now I had pushed myself to the point of exhaustion.
It wasn't until after we purchased our first home that I started to realize how depressed I was. I was still numb and thats when the crying and severe panic attacks begun. I stopped getting out of bed (only to take care of the necessities, feeding kids, changing diapers, reaching toys for the kids) I have gotten really good at pretending so no one could really see the sadness in my heart other then those who deal with me daily. About two weeks ago I sat down with Darren and finally admitted out loud how depressed I was.
For the longest time I just felt like I was ungrateful and selfish. That I needed to suck it up. The more I told myself this the more I believed it and the worse I got. I now know with a certainty that thinking was wrong. I am wired differently and ITS OKAY. I have found I am VERY deficient in crucial nutrients and once I started pumping myself full of them the clouds started parting. Im not 100% yet by any means. I still have DARK days but at least now I am starting to have some SUNNY ones in between. I have learned that I need to pull back. Right now I am kinda fragile and criticism or feeling like I let someone down is a HUGE trigger so for now I have to distance myself from the negativity and surround myself with the positive because I know mentally Im not ready for it.
Waking up and Thanking my Heavenly Father for my blessings, and feeling his LOVE for me and knowing that he knows me and that he is always with me has carried me. I am so incredibly Thankful for Darren and his patience and love through my roughest days. He is seriously a Saint! I am also so grateful for my kids for their independence, kindness and unconditional love they show me every day. It melts my heart and gives me more courage for the next day every time I overhear them praying for me to feel better. Children really are amazing blessings. Doesn't these smiles lift your spirits?
I know I still have a long journey ahead and I am so grateful that I don't have to do it alone. It's time to take charge, by pulling back and simplifying life so I can start to really ENJOY LIFE again.
If you are struggling watch this I watch it about once a week and it's amazing:
CLICK HERE
If you are struggling watch this I watch it about once a week and it's amazing:
CLICK HERE
***To those I have hurt, been short with, flaked out on or wronged in ANY way
words cannot express how sorry I am. Please forgive me.***
6 comments:
Love you Tessa! I had no idea things were so bad. Depression is no easy beast to slay. I have lots of family members that suffer from it. I'm so glad you have found some things that help. Call me any time! It's a shame we live so close and get together so rarely.
I suffer from the exact same thing, but it mostly happens during the year after my babies are born. The part where you said that you thought you were just feeling selfish and ungrateful is how I felt too, but you're right, your head just isn't thinking right. I love it when Elder Holland says that someone with heart disease or high blood pressure just can't 'snap out of it.' When I realize that I'm sick and not just sad, then it makes it easier for me to seek help. Good luck with everything and don't be hard on yourself. You'll come out of this cloud soon enough. :)
I feel the same way... I think you would be surprised to find out that a lot of woman feel this way, especially LDS moms. We feel so much pressure to be perfect and we think other moms are perfect and that we need to live up to their standards. You're good to pray and serve others when you are depressed because I tend to do the opposite. Some people can pull out of depression by being super busy, but I can't...it just gives me the worst anxiety. Some times it's good to slow down and just worry about yourself and your family...and it's not selfish. Hopefully being back home and around your family will continue to help you. Praying you will get more and more sunny days (:
Thank you for sharing what you are going through. I know it's hard. I too didn't know you were struggling so much. I'm sorry to hear that. I have had varying degrees of post partum depression after each baby. It's hard to admit. Not only to yourself but others too. So I applaud you for your courage. My wonderful mother always reminds me, if you don't let someone know. .. Then they can't help you. So I'm happy to reach out more!
We would LOVE to spend more time with family. I just assume everyone is too busy to hang out and I don't want to come off annoying. Lol. So we would love to play anytime. SERIOUSLY! ;)
You are a strong woman and an amazing mother. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way! It sounds like you are doing everything exactly like you should be doing to help. I have periods of serious meltdowns as well. Stay strong, keep praying. As you work on your relationship with the Savior you will more fully see how amazing and beautiful your potential is, as well as how infinitely loved you are. I'm so glad that you have such wonderful support. Wish we lived closer!!
I'm glad you got help Tessa. That is HUGE and SO SO important. I'm so proud of you.
If it's not too personal, what were you deficient in?
I'm so glad the clouds have parted some days. Such great news.
I know there's sometimes steps we can take ourselves to get out of depression, but sometimes it's not so simple and we need intervention.
What a great example you are.
A true hero. I'm glad you're blogging.
Post a Comment